September 4, 2005

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  oh my. we finished up one of the happy-preorder-bonus-items  friday afternoon that we are sending all you lovely people who preordered “a collision” through our website! just in time to drop it in one of those mysterious fedex boxes. i love deadlines and even more so the making of them. we’ll now have the happiness back in plenty of time to drop in your very own envelope with your very own copy of “a collision” and I cannot wait for you to get this particular bonus happiness! It is sooo fun. sept 27th is too far away! if you haven’t preordered go here to do so: www.davidcrowderband.com and i am now certain you will be extra-bonus-happy when your little bubble envelope finds your doorstep. i am grinning stupidly ear to ear.

  
  

   

  
  

  now i state “mysterious” because it is completely spooky to me, the way those fedex drop-box things work. don’t get me wrong, i genuinely love putting stuff into them. it’s cookie monster minus the crumbs. they are endlessly hungry. and i’ve never once seen any supposed fedex employee removing their contents. have you? NO! i am convinced that all the boxes empty into a massive digestive-like-tunnel-pipe-system that connects and collects to some vast underground hub in north dakota or nevada; someplace very area-51 like in that it “doesn’t exist”. that’s why they built them in such a way as to prevent our seeing down them. it’s because some guy is down there on a battery powered tricycle, with a silver basket on its front, taking the envelopes and little boxes as they come sliding down his dropbox-tunnel. he places them tenderly into his diminutive basket and then he is speeding off at breaknecked, theme-park-ride velocities through the tunnel system. (oh. they don’t like you to call them ‘baskets’. it reminds them that they do, in fact, ride a tricycle for a living. ‘priority receptacle’ is the preferred terminology, they would tell you.) we never hear their comings and goings as the quietness of battery power is so particularly stealthy. I mean you never hear your cell phone eating away at that small amount of stored energy do you? NO! see. and this is why i would fedex you something for such the simple enjoyment of a delicately placed envelope upon hinged mouth, the sound of its slamming shut after my voice following down, “it’s a basket! ha! you have a basket on your tricycle! it’s silver! everybody knows it!” i drop notes to them occasionally. “hey little man, i know you’re there.” i’m just so tired of all the secrecy.

  
  

   

  
  

  i mean observe the fedex logo next time one of those trucks passes you. notice the arrow that is formed by the proximity of the e to the x? they have been keeping that from you. and it’s always pointing to north dakota. always. seriously, pay attention people! oh ”i have one final thing i want you to consider: ladies and gentlemen, this *he points to a picture of chewbacca* is chewbacca. chewbacca is a wookie from the planet kashyyyk, but chewbacca lives on the planet endor. now, think about that. that does not make sense! why would a wookie—an eight foot tall wookie—want to live on endor with a bunch of two foot tall ewoks? That does not make sense!
  
  but more important, you have to ask yourself, what does this have to do with this case? nothing. ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! it does not make sense!
  
  look at me, i’m a lawyer defending a major record company, and i’m talkin’ about chewbacca. does that make sense? ladies and gentlemen, i am not making any sense. none of this makes sense!
  
  and so you have to remember, when you’re in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the emancipation proclamation… does it make sense? no! ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense.
  
  if chewbacca lives on endor, you must acquit! the defense rests.” johnnie cochran – wookie defense. 

  
  

   

  
  

  my apologies. my…my head just went there and it…it could not be avoided.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  • 6:18 pm
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