December 10, 2008
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unicorns are awesome, except that they don’t exist, unless, that is, you believe.
i had no idea! but i was searching for gifts for family, friends, and foes and found “the avenging unicorn play set.” if this strikes you as astonishing, please know, i too was aghast. yet what follows is pictorial proof:
[box logo]now, i have always assumed that the unicorn was a [nonexistent] peaceful creature, a gentle, pacifist at heart, not inclined toward infliction of harm in return for an injury to another. not so! yes, there is much about the unicorn [nonexistent] that i did not know.
[a peaceful looking unicorn]for instance:
did you know there is a unicorn code? neither did i!
the unicorn code:
1) unicorns never lie.
2) unicorns always lend a helping hand.
3) unicorns are loyal.
4) unicorns can keep a secret.
5) unicorns don’t use drugswho knew? not me!
oh, also…
magical horns: not all unicorn horns are the same! each one has unique magical powers.
1) pearlescent: mind control, weather control, super hearing
2) spiral: illusion casting, super healing (i.e. turns blood into rose petals)
3) glow: hypnosis, enhanced agility
4) chrome: electromagnetism, speed reading, teleportation
[magical horns]that’s amazing!
then there’s this: unicorns [nonexistent] are magical creatures that exist only for those who believe. when they are not frolicking in dewy meadows or posing on windy cliffs they are helping believers do away with daily annoyances.
for instance:
does the new age lady at the bookstore get on your nerves when she starts ranting about her latest encounter with an ancient warrior spirit?
[new age lady]are you tired of being accosted by the creepy mime who thinks he deserves a quarter for pretending to be trapped in a box?
[mime]does the arrogant businessman in the well-pressed suit drive you crazy with the loud talking on his cell phone in a crowded elevator?
[loud talking businessman]close your eyes, take a deep breath and summon a unicorn [nonexistent]. if you believe in the magic of unicorns with all your heart and soul they will answer your call.
[unicorn [nonexistent] answering [ludicrous!] “call”]so it seems the only question is, do you believe?
Comments (77)
wow.
Yay! I’m second! Praise the Lord..Now I will read the post
Oh my gosh…haha
I do believe.
oh, goodness. This has to be the best gift ever! The Avenging Unicorn; sounds so official. too bad they are nonexistent.
-Karly
That is totally awesome!
You need a hobby.
They only exist if you believe? That’s not fun. It would be way more entertaining if a unicorn showed up at the door of someone who thought they didn’t exist and, say… delivered their pizza or tried to sell them a magazine subscription.
There has to be a tie in to “Dodgeball: A true underdog story” somehow…
XDD
I like Jesus’ skillz better, thanks. I’ll just ask him to smite the new age ladies.
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing…the play set its self (I’m not even going to ask about the impaled mime…yes I am! Did he come with the hole in his chest already, or did you do that to him, David?), or the fact that you apparently bought this?
If unicorns were truly loyal, what need would they have for mind control and hypnosis?
Ha-HA! Take that!
I do believe, I do, I do!
*snaps fingers*
Oh wait… that’s faeries. My bad.
so are they like fairies in that they die if you proclaim out loud that they don’t exist? and then you have to clap to bring them back? or maybe instead make that horse-trotting sound by slapping your hands on your thighs?
help my unbelief!
mark 9:24
hahahaha.. Wow, This makes me smile!
lol wow. I had no idea unicorns can have chrome horns. Do they come with spinner hooves too? Or a grill?
I actually found a unicorn who does NOT adhere to the Unicorn Code.
http://vimeo.com/1913746?pg=embed&sec=1913746
Wow, I never knew. How embarrasing to have been walking around in such ignorance.
Haha. My favorite part is how they wrote the word “avenging”.
God bless,
~Scott
I think that dragons [nonexistent] such as Trogdor [questionably existent] are far more effective at ridding us of pesky foes, what not with their bursts of deathly flames from their nostrils.
But an avenging unicorn [nonexistent] is a nice option to have, just in case my dragon [nonexis...aw, forget it] friends are preoccupied.
that….. is…… AWESOME!!!!! and hilarious. but, i too, had little knowledge of unicorns, it would appear
speed reading.
hahaha
That’s cool! Unicorns are beautiful.
Omgosh!! Hilarious! This made me laugh! Unicorns are always entertaining subjects for blogs, youtube videos, etc. I do believe! =D
that is amazing. i want one.
That was awesome.
You should make a short video with this and post it on youtube. Hehe~
my unicorn’s name is Justin and I go to him when I have to make a tough decision. (I hope you watch scrubs)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DRy6JQsXr0
Shun the non-believers… Shun!!
Charlie the Unicorn
OMFG, I WANT THAT SET.
totally rec’ing this.
reminds me of this:
http://mingle2.com/dating/unicorn
hilarious
i do believe! i do!
hahahahaha
WTF!!! What have you been smoking (and where can i get some?)
Totally reminds me of this comic:
http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF103-Nice_Shirt.gif
your posts are getting a little out of control, yo. OUT OF CONTROL.
This is great! I wish it had been posted back when I had 3 day unicorn phase
I’ve been playing a lot of board games lately and I really want to play this one.
Thank YOU i know what to get my uncal buzzy now
he loves rainbows and everything that comes with them 
;).
oh dear…lol i’m glad they don’t exist
Obama on a unicorn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adc3MSS5Ydc
wow… LOL
That was hilarious! Nyahahahaha!
oh. my. holy crap.
p.s.- that unicorns album was huge with my high school group of friends.
ROFL ROFL.
I thought unicorns only existed if you were a virgin. I’m happy virgins finally have super-powered avengers to do away with people that annoy them in elevators.
This was pretty awesome.
if this’ll help me through finals, then hell yes I believe.
I love unicorns! This is awesome!
Unicorns are my minions!
i wish i could get a unicorn to impale a mime.
Wow, never knew, I am so confused, all those stuffed unicorns on my bed in the 70′s growing up… I just had no idea.
You forgot the avenging narwhal! http://www.mcphee.com/items/11689.html
You’re never too old–or lame–to believe in unicorns. I see them all the time right before I fall asleep at work. It could be that there’s a unicorn on a billboard right outside my window.
Oh! It went for the mime!…they always go after the mimes
I’ve seen this playset before. I love it almost as much as the B Movie Victims playset. Amazingly creative!
HAHAHA who wouldn’t believe after seeing that?
Unicorns are eviiiiillllll…..
see for yourself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus
YES, SPEED READING. I WANT A CHROME HORN.
That is amazingly entertaining. And YES I do believe, but not so much in the avenging part.
There is also, apparently, and avenging narwhal playset. The Narwhal kills penguins, koala bears, and seals. http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1968
Wow. That is seriously the coolest thing I ahve seen in a while.
Next we’ll be seing saturday morning cartoons “The Unicorn Avengers”
It’s funny, I haven’t thought of unicorns in so long. It’s usually sort of a second-grade-girl subject of interest.
you better believe i believe.
this is the most insightful thing i’ve read in quite some time. for that, i must thank you.
and just because something doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean it’s not real.
that’s right.
*added to wish list*
HAHAHA!! this is AWESOME!!
no comment. unless you believe.
I believe… I believe there is too much violence in the realm of the Avenging Unicorn.
ROFL! I love your twisted sense of humor. Still trying to figure out where the haircuts come in. Hopefully no characters were scalped, even the fictitious ones. 
I believe Preacher man! It’s as if those plastic toys have souls that see through the mire of Christmas garbage and puncture my hard heart. How can I commit myself best to these deep truths?
Unlike hell, I suppose, which only exists for those who do not believe?
As I view it, unbelievers in Jesus also views Christ, God or Ultimate Good as non existent. They might view believing such things nonsense just like believing in unicorns. They may be open minded and see though that it might help believers live good lives in believing such products of imagination, they miss the reality that Christ, God or Ultimate Good is real and objective and not just a creative outlet to escape the realities of life.
i have the avenging narwhal [existant] playset. very similar in that he avenges and kills others [penguins, baby seals, and koalas: natural enemies] and has four different tusks.
http://www.mcphee.com/items/11689.html
So my question is, where do the “unicorns” carry the “horns of other powers”, do they have a tool belt? Now that would be entertaining. That and watching them change their horns…Of course, if the horns have identifiable powers, then one could predict the action the unicorn intends…Sorry, can’t believe unless you tell me that ALL horses are unicorns in disguise with pop-out wings and a unicorn horn tool belt. But, we’re getting into mutant territoy here…
Looks like to me that they all have plastic horns… just and observation. lol. :)
BTW, have you seen the Charlie the Unicorn videos? They are ridiculously annoying and ridiculously funny at the same time. haha.
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