May 14, 2005

• this is the last day. of tracking. shane is rolling up cords. actually we are through tracking. since shane is rolling up cords. nothing left to track. but it is still today. the last day. you will not see us anymore for a while. we will be here but you will not see us. it has been fun. really. later we will go over to bwack’s apartment that is downtown. on the 6th floor. of a building located on 6th street. i like that. “i live on 6th street on the 6th floor.” we’re all just kind of sitting around. sad and happy. while shane rolls chords. shane just said, “i remember i put it somewhere. i told chris, ‘this is where i’m putting the lock’. and now i don’t remember. we go through this every time.” “it’s probably where we put the diagram of the truck.” says chris. they don’t know where they put the diagram of the truck. “oh so now it’s my fault?” “no. i’m just sayin that i remember distinctly saying, ‘this is where i’m putting the lock.’ so we would remember.” they don’t remember. we’re all just sitting around. sad and happy. while shane rolls cables. in the book by jonathan safran foer that i told you about, near the beginning of our time together here at the barn, there is a character who has lost the ability to speak. one word at a time. they have left him. the last word he could say was “i”. then nothing. he carries a blank note book around to write things in so people will know what he wants to say. like if he finds himself in a cafe and he wishes to request a bagel he writes on a blank sheet in the notebook, “i would like a bagel please.” but each day the notebook fills up. and he must then turn back through the book that is filled and point to phrases already written. each day a new book. empty. to be filled. his home is filled with books that are filled. he has the word “yes” tatooed on his left palm. he has the word “no” tatooed on his right palm. this saves pages of the empty book. “would you like cream in that?” he displays his right palm. “will that be all?” he displays his left palm. when he is excited and begins to clap it is the sound of yes and no coming together. when it is night and the month is december and there is harsh wind outside and his hands are chilled by the air it is yes and no rubbing together that bring warmth. i am glad that this is the last day of tracking. i am sad that this is the last day of tracking. we’re all just sitting around. while shane rolls chords. sad and happy. yes and no. they are rubbing together. i want to put my hands into yours and say thanks for coming along. this is the last day. shane just said again, “i’m still looking for the lock. i remember saying ‘here is where i’m putting the lock.’ where is the freakin’ lock!?!!?” i have the lock. i don’t want them to go. i want them to go. yes and no. i want you to stay. this has been fun. it is over. happy and sad. this is the end. yes and no. later we will go to bwacks. at the end of the night i will extend my right hand. shane will extend his right hand. they will meet. our right hands clasping. we will do the shake-hug. our right hands will be clasped together shaking. no. our left hands will come around each other as we half hug. embrace. our left hands will pat each others back. yes. our right hands will stay clasped. “thank you.” “thank you.” sad. happy. yes. no.”don’t go.” “but we must.” “but i have the lock.” “why?” “don’t go.” “but we must.” “it is the end?” “it is the beginning.” “of what?” “of everything.” “here is your lock.” “thank you.” “thank you.” “yes.” “no.” “it has been fun.” “happy.” “sad.” “it is the beginning?” “yes.” “so this is it?” “yes. up until now.” “what is coming?” “everything.” “thank you.” thank you.

  

  

  • 9:14 pm
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