I don’t think anyone else went through the string of exhausting events that I had to endure to get my copy of Remedy.  Let me share:

Monday, Oct. 1, 2007
It’s almost been a week and my pre-ordered copy of Remedy with all it’s goodies has yet to arrive.  At this point I am worried because with DC*B’s previous efforts, I’ve received my CD in the mail on it’s release date, allowing me to bask in it’s wonderful audible glow.  Instead, found in my mailbox behind all the other mail is a small note stating the following:

MISSING: David Crowder CD
Last known Destination: Postage marked for Washington Terrace, UT 84405
Missing since: Sept. 25, 2007
Last Reported Sighting: Cafe Ville Bella
Some believe David Crowder Band-Remedy is being held hostage by an extremely violent and dangerous individual.  Please use caution if whereabouts are spotted.

Immediately, I suspect my roommate, who shall only be named by his B-Wack forum name, Aliasunknown.  So I mention nothing to him, thinking, “I’ll be up at my local coffee haunt, Ville Bella, in a couple days.  I’ll check out the situation then.”  I go inside and check my email.  I find two messages with same text:

Andy,Do you want it yet? Are you angry, annoyed, even scared? I
hope you are churning with emotions because no one deserves Crowder
unless they work, they suffer, they prosper until the end.  Open
the attachment to find where this man would live. Don’t forget that he
is the father of the Italian “____”. Once you go to this place to find
your next clue, be careful of the Paranas in the kitchen that live in
the wall because your next clue is above this tank of DEATH! 

The attachment is a movie poster of The Godfather.  “So my DC*B CD is taped to the back of the top tank of the toilet at Ville Bella?” I say to myself.  This is getting more strange.

Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2007
I finally make it to Ville Bella with a sense of anticipation.  Waiting for me is an envelope with a note and two mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  While I enjoy the peanut buttery goodness, I read this:

Too late, this criminal was sneaky and got away.  Brilliance is what this conniving creature is known for.  Below are mathematical clues to get the phone number of the person who saw the CD napper last.  You must text this person “what is my next clue” to get closer to finding your precious Crowder.  Good luck great detective!

In a matter of moments, I had the phone number deciphered and was texting the prescribed message.  About an hour later I receive a reply making reference to a friend’s apartment where my next clue is located.  “Well, I waited this long, I’ll go by there tomorrow when I’m near it.”  They wouldn’t stand for it and I was told that I had to pursue it tonight or never.  About two hours later, I finally take off to the next location.  Upon arrival, I discover a can of clam chowder and a pair of chopsticks with a note wrapped around them.  The top half contains a poem about how to make good chowder.  The bottom says:

All of this is sounding a bit fishy to me
Why is it chowder when it’s Crowder Andy wants to see
Waiting and waiting for it to come in the mail
Why mess with him?  It’s as fun as Saved by the Bell
While contemplating what you should do next
Eat some fishy sushi chowder with a Tyrannosaurus Rex
(P.S. Look under the plant which will give you much exercise this fall)

Ignoring the poorly written limerick, I made haste back to my house and began to search around the giant cottonwood tree in my back yard.  Beneath it I find a small box wrapped with an entire roll of electrical tape.  After a massive unraveling project, I find another note sending me to email again.  By this time I have a good idea of who’s behind this, but rather than call them on it, I decide to play along and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.  In my email is this:

OKay so we are going to be nice. Find yourself lucky because
originally you were going to have to go all the way to the MOB. That
was then going to take you to the BOM. From there to The Pie. Now just
go straight to The Pie and ask the guy with the long hair for your
clue. The Pie closes at 11:00 so HURRY!!! Reply to this e-mail.Crowder will live. Thanks for making the right choice.

(Let me explain first that we nickname everyone’s dwelling out here.  The MOB being the Mansion of Bachelors and the BOM being the Battlement of Maidens.  The Pie is just a really good pizza place.)

On to the Pie I go.  Trevor (guy with long hair) has been waiting all night to see who was going to receive the joyous gift awaiting its recipient in the fridge. It’s none other than a tin of anchovies, of which i must ingest 7 and send photographic proof before I finally get the Remedy.  7 Anchovies and a lot of shivers up the spine later, I hold in my hand Remedy and it’s pre-order bonus materials!  Success!

As it turns out, when my CD didn’t arrive on time, Aliasunknown decided to play a joke and enlist about 10 of my other friends to help.  Remedy came in the mail on the 1st of October and was promptly hidden from me.  The rest of the story I have just shared with you.

I challenge anyone out there to surpass this story in the acquisition of Remedy.  I earned that CD and it was totally worth it.  Well, maybe it’s just a 5 anchovy CD instead of 7, but it’s still good.